Sasuke's Big Day
by vb
Summary: As the post timeskip arc progresses, more and more people are introduced, but one main character remains suspiciously out of the picture...until now?


Author's Note: I have no idea why I wrote this stupidity, but hey, everyone keeps wondering when Sasuke would come out and what he'd look like, so why not. Plus I was bored. Go easy on me, I write fanfiction like maybe once a year. And Sasuke fans, I am gravely sorry. I hope along with you that he won't be dressed as a drag queen/dandy/orochimaru/gangster/pimp. (Although it would be funny...)

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was young, good-looking, and talented. In theory, he should be having the time of his life right now. But theory fails where reality succeeds, and he found himself greatly annoyed at a number of things. 

"Orochimaru, tell me again why we're huddled behind a bush?"

"We're waiting for the proper moment, Saucey-chan."

Sasuke wavered between hitting Orochimaru in the face and just running away.

He had seen the leaf-nins arrive before the cave, seen Sakura break open the door, seen a fairy fly out on a bird, and seen Naruto get agitated to the point his IQ went down fifty points. All that time he had been in the same position, huddled behind a bush in the shade of the trees with Orochimaru sneaking a grope every other minute. At one point he even found his tidy purple bow slowly being undone, which was fixed by a mini-chidori. Orochimaru feigned ignorance upon being questioned, suspiciously with the smell of snake-meat in the air and a hand behind his back.

"But why are we _hiding_?" He turned and looked at Orochimaru, now with a slightly embarassed expression on his face.

"Ah, well, uh, you see, uh, Saucekay, uh, a while ago there was an, uh, incident, and it'd be best if I wasn't seen, uh, around here, yeah, Saucekay." He suddenly ducked down again as the blond on the bird fired an explosive.

Sasuke frowned. "What kind of incident?"

Orochimaru turned a delicate shade of taupe. "It is not the kind of thing children should know of."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I've read all of your Icha Icha Shinobi magazines. What could possibly be worse than that picture of the Sand-nin in bondage?" He repressed a shudder. The sight had plagued him for an entire sleepless week by a looming image popping up right before he fell aslumber. Ah, horrible. When he was alone at night, he still sometimes cried about it. In secret, of course. In secret.

"Well, uh-" The stammered response was cut off by a fresh wave of kunais, many falling dangerously close. Orochimaru shivered. "Saucekay-kun, maybe making your debut now, and especially _here_, wasn't such a good idea. What say we go destroy Konoha instead?" He then made his special Sad-Snake-Face, one he especially prided on being able to take down even the most cold-hearted of enemies. Jiraiya and Tsunade had even pulled him into a group-hug once, both in tears just because of his adorable trembling lip and precocious teary-eyes that could grow up to five times its normal size. Sasuke, however, was unfazed.

"No! I will make my debut here! And everyone will cower in fear as I, Uchiha Sasuke, Prince of the Sound, Valedictorian of the Ninja Academy, ten time winner of Shinobi Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, _Personal_ Associate of Orochimaru, proceed to show them how special I am, and they're not!"

Orochimaru sighed. Everyday he paid a heavy price for Sasuke's whims, and still Sasuke refused to let Orchimaru in him, body or spirit. He remembered Sasuke's last birthday party, where he had to go all the way to the city of Seigaku just to purchase the fifty crates of grape Ponta Sasuke wanted. _Itachi wouldn't have been this demanding_, he thought inwardly. In Akatsuki Itachi had been overjoyed just by the weekly nail polish sessions. All that boy needed was his shade of Princess Lavender and he was set, happily applying the sparkly stuff to his perfect manicure. "You could wave dango in front of him and he wouldn't care, that's how absorbed he became..."

While Orochimaru lost himself in the memories of Itachi's nails, Sasuke saw an opening. The birdman was talking to Naruto instead of killing him as he should've done. Inside the cave came a few distant gasps, but nothing indicative of much action to occupy anyone's attention. The time was perfect, he decided. There was nothing to deter anyone's rapt gaze as they saw the new Sasuke!

"All right, Orochimaru! I'm going!" With that, he leaped over the bush, did a system of intricate acrobatics in the air, spewed out the letters "SASUKE" in bright fire (Katon: HookedonPhoenics no Jutsu!), and landed in his specially choreographed pose that, according to Orochimaru's body-language expert, conveyed 5,000 emotions at once including :D, Y, and even the elusive OD8 , quite a perfect representation of Sasuke-sama if you turn your head to the right.

"Shinobis of the world! Prepare yourself! I am the man who sends fangirls into a crazed fever, fellow ninjas into the insanity of jealousy! Even family members cannot resist me! I am the feared one, the wonderous one, companion to the Snake God himself, blessed with the Sharingan, endowed with extraordinary talent, blinding in my sex appeal..."

And on. And on. And on. And on.

Thirty minutes later, Sasuke had finished his speech. Slightly out of breath and thirsty from all the talking, he nevertheless remained in his special pose, gazing vainly at the fools who dared to behold him in their sight. When Naruto opened his mouth, Sasuke spat out in triumph, "Yes? Mortal? You are overcome with adoration?"

Naruto shook his head. "No, Sasuke-bastard... what are you WEARING?"

The crowd that had gathered by then, including most of Akatsuki, murmured in agreement.

Sasuke looked at himself, honestly not expecting a response like _that_. He couldn't find anything wrong with his outfit and turned to Naruto with a slightly annoyed expression on his face. "What do you mean, dobe?"

"Well, first of all... you're wearing..."

"What! What am I wearing!" Sasuke could not comprehend Naruto's confusion. There was nothing questionable about his outfit!

"And then... you... you look like..."

Sasuke was getting more annoyed by the second. "What! What do I look like!"

Naruto tried to describe the horror before him but could only stutter out various nouns that Sasuke happened to be donning proudly. "Cape...fur...hat...necklace..." His wordlessness was suddenly cut off, however, by a bloodcurdling scream that filled the air and startled everyone.

Kisame sighed. "Itachi again..."

Indeed, at the door of the cave stood Uchiha Itachi, his face pallid, mouth agape, hands held up in existential terror as the sky behind him swirled scarlet and everything melted slowly. "SA-SU-KE!" Before Sasuke's Sharingan could catch anything, Itachi had ran up to him, still in his scream position. Nothing moved except his eyes, which flew up and down his little brother in horror. "SA. SU. KE!"

"What!" By now, Sasuke was close to the edge. No one was fangirling over him! No one!

"Did you forget everything I taught you about fashion!"

"What do you mean! You never taught me anything!"

"SASUKE-CHAN, IF I TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING, I TAUGHT YOU FASHION." Itachi was now in full lecturing mode, one hand upon hip, the other pointed into a tantalizing shake and then upon his forehead in exasperation. "Foolish little brother, must you embarass me so?"

Wit, sadly, was not Sasuke's strong point. The most he could think of at the moment, unfortunately, was "You're the embarassment!"

Itachi frowned. "What have I ever done to embarass _you_? I've been signing all of your permission slips all these years without appearance! I've evaded you while investing our fortune, doubling it in five years! I've gotten you everything you ever wanted while still being that 'must-be-killed-distant-mysterious-brother' that makes such a pick-up line for some reason; what more could you want!"

Sasuke was about to retort when Itachi broke out in a new wave of "tsk tsk tsk"s. "Oh, foolish little brother, not having a mother for so long really messed you up, didn't you?"

_That_ Sasuke had something to say about. "OMG! IT'S YOUR FAULT! And what's everyone spazzing out about?"

Itachi sighed. "Well, if you insist... But I must warn you, it'll take a while."

"RAWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTELLMEANIKIRRRRRRRRRRR!"

The older Uchiha took a deep breath.

"Well, first of all, you're wearing a ruffled top. Oh puh-_leez_, those are _so_ out of fashion. On top of that, it's maroon. No one wears maroon anymore, it's paprika red or nothing. Secondly, you're wearing pinstriped capris with that. It would be nice, except the end isn't cuffed and the pinstripes are blue against black, which totally doesn't match with your maroon shirt. Then you wear flat shoes. Someone as pitifully short as you should wear high heels to elongate your shape, and besides, everyone in the know wears high heels with capris! Oh and you're wearing a trenchcoat. A vinyl trenchcoat. A vinyl trenchcoat that was cheaply made because I can see the crooked stitches and the super-shininess. Your collar is messed up, too, because you see, you either pop it up like I do or fold it down, there's no in-between. See? See how I wear my collars? Learn to wear them like that, k? Ok now we're moving onto accessories. You're wearing a big hat. A big velvet hat. What are you a pimp? And same with the boa. The fur boa. It looks like it was made from weasels and you know what, frankly, that does not sit well with me at all. No more weasel-clothes now, what did weasels ever do to you? Don't kill them. Don't. It's way too long, also, so you've draped it like ten times around you and now you have no neck. And your belt. What is that, a rope? You didn't even tie it right. See, it's falling apart. And your necklace. Ughhhhh your necklace is just ugggghhh. That big S is so gaudy; it was fashionable a while ago but now you just look like a retard. And ok the worst part of it all is your cape. What the fuck is up with your cape! It has some face on it. Is it Orochimaru's face or your's? Then again you _are _wearing horrible purple eyeshadow so I really can't tell you two apart and that's sad because Orochimaru is fifty and you're fifteen and that's just not right. Oh and your hair. God, at least be careful when you put gel on. I can see big globs of it and it's still not dry. You put so much on that it's shiny like you haven't washed your hair in ten days. Because you probably haven't, but that's not the point. Why do you look so horrible? Our parents are probably rolling in their graves right now you know? Because you look like shit. Ugh oh my god we need to go shopping together, foolish little brother. Seriously. You're so horrible at this, foolish little brother. You don't hate me enough, so that's why you still can't dress better than me. Hatred, damnit! Hatred! Look good for the family name! Next time I see you, you'd better look semi-decent. Do you hear me! Is that clear! Now go away and come back later when you look better so you can avenge the family but at least look decent while you do it so if any clothing gets ripped there will be people from Icha Icha Shinobi around to photograph it because we're sexy and have good fashion taste, which you don't. Ok I got to go now I have a date with Kisame but I swear if I catch you like that again, it's Tsukiyomi for you and I'll make sure you see for yourself how horrible you look. Let's go now, Kisame!"

Slightly zoned out, Kisame blinked before he realized what Itachi had said. "Ah, um, yes, Itachi-san." The two then disappeared to the Rabu Rabu Onsen Spa where Kisame indulged Itachi in a luxurious chocolate massage and Itachi poured out even more complaints for four hours before getting raped so he would shut up.

...AHEM. Anyway.

Back around the Akatsuki cave, Sasuke was on the verge of tears. Orochimaru crept out of the bush and laid his hand upon Sasuke's shoulder in a gesture that would be fatherly if Orochimaru didn't have Kisame and Itachi's later activities on his mind. "There, there, Saucekay-kun."

"It was horrible, Orochimaru! Horrible! They didn't appreciate me at all! And Itachi! There's still such a difference between us!" Hysterically crying, he allowed Orochimaru to lead him away. "Orochimaru-sama! Why?"

"Now, now, Saucekay-kun, you must remember that Itachi is a professional at being mean."

"He's not just mean! He's...he's... he's a poopy-head!"

As the two slowly left the scene, Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura, Zetsu, Deidara, Dead Gaara, Sasori, Granny, and Sir Leader were left mute and still. Chocobo poked Deidara with his beak, but Deidara shook his head. The group remained there, undisturbed in deep thought for five minutes until Naruto got hungry.

"Hey, wanna go for some ramen dattebayo?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"Ok."

"Un."

And that was that.


End file.
